In the 15 years of my existence in this world, I have learned many truths about life. But if there is really a truth about life that had made my world stop spinning like everything is hopeless, it would be this one heartbreaking truth- To live is not easy.
When I was young, life is so beautiful. I imagined he world is a very big playground to me where I can play whenever I like to. I can play with anyone I knew. I can befriend and trust anyone because everyone is kind and helpful. I thought back then that the only depressing situation that I can experience is being scolded by my parents just because I lied. I was taught to smile often, to follow your parents because they knew the best, to sleep longer to grow taller, to respect people so they’ll do the same, to study harder and be in the top so I can make everyone proud of me and to love others so they will love me back.
Being naive is happiness because you don’t know a single bitter thought about life. You walk in the streets like everyone is fine to be with. You smile because you’re happy. Your mind is full of blissful thoughts. You were careless and you seem to be fine with that. You only knew the beautiful side of life but when you start to grow older, the gloomy side unfolds.
Change is inevitable. And everytime your age increases, the number of facts and truths about life that you know increases as well. No matter how beautiful and colourful the world is for you before, it will change the moment you step outside your comfort zone and see the real world for yourself. And you were shocked because when you begun to stand up with your own feet, you realize that life isn’t colourful. It is hazy with shades of gray. And you knew right then that you have lived half of your life in lies. You learn that life is not a playground where you play for fun or a castle where guards guard you because you are the princess. Instead, it is a battlefield where you fight for your life. As a matter of fact, you have no guards other than yourself. You learn that you can never play with anyone. You have to choose scrupulously whom to trust and be with. Some people are ostentatious users who take advantage of other people for their benefits. You have to be careful. And actually, the most depressing situation you can ever put yourself into is when you tried to put that little curve into your lips but you failed because you knew that deep inside you, you are slowly tearing into pieces. And so you knew that you have to smile to look strong and firm, people are not perfect especially your parents, sleeping longer doesn’t increase your height, reaching the top doesn’t make people be proud of you- it only makes them expect more from you and lastly, loving a person so much is never a guarantee that he will also love you the way you do.
You knew these things and then you look around. You see happy faces and smiles. People are hugging, cuddling and even kissing. And you start to wonder why the heck they put their mouths to the mouths of people who will hurt them later on. And then you fall in love. You experience these things for yourself. You feel like a child again everytime you feel butterflies in your stomach or when your heart beats faster like a drum. And you experience things you usually don’t. And you smile wide like crazy. And you daydream and you sleep late. And there is always this one guy in your mind whenever and wherever you are. And you started to believe that maybe life is still wonderful. And love.. oh love.. The four word letter that completes you.
And you grew one year older and that jerk cheated on you. And you feel sad and pessimistic again. But this time, it is worse. You feel suicidal. You wanna give up because you experienced a heartbreak for the first time. And you describe yourself as a person existing but not living. You feel like a robot-lifeless. And you thought again how hard it is to live and how cruel this world really is. And you listen to music and sleep longer because you knew that the dreamland is the only escape you have.
And you meet another lad again. And you started to open up your heart for the second time. You knew he can hurt you but you take chances because maybe, just maybe, he is different- that he wouldn’t hurt or leave you like what the first one did.. that he could actually love you forever like what he constantly told you. But then again, you failed. You are the loser for the second time around in this game called love. And you promised yourself that you would never be vulnerable again. You became strong so people could never hurt you again. You acted like you don’t have a heart so they won’t break yours. And you became okay with that. You are fine with your walls high up and your heart closed tightly. And you even practiced the art of lying, faking smiles and pretending. You started to adapt and fit in until you became another person. And then you don’t know yourself anymore. And then you were lost like a puppy wandering around, searching for his owner. The only difference is that the puppy is searching for his owner who is to be found. On the other hand, you are searching for a person, your older self, who was long lost gone.
And now, you’re waiting for someone to find that older version of you. But is there someone there who would take all the risks to make you happy and be with you? Hm. You don’t know but you hope so. You want to believe there is. Maybe. Just maybe.
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